Ripple Effects of Trauma

 There are so many ripple effects that come from trauma [ mentally, physically, and emotionally ]. The aftermath of someone else's doing and even your own choices can be ugly and I have had plenty of ugly. If you were wondering, these posts aren't always easy to write, but I can see areas where I thought I had healed and I am not completely yet, even after years of working on myself and therapy. Now mind you, I haven't ever had a problem talking about it, except at first of course. I guess some wounds are so deep that it takes something like this to bring out what still remains. Being angry and resentful because you even have to deal with it does no one any good and only stalls your healing. I mentioned before that I am going through a health battle right now and I have found that in my darkest moments come my biggest revelations and turning points. Bitter sweet, that's all I have to say about that.

I ended up grabbing hold of the thing I used to hate.....the thing that almost killed me, I ran to and not intentionally......alcohol. Like I said before, I didn't start drinking often until my late 30's. The problem began when the drinking became an every Friday and Saturday thing, eventually every night at the peak of my alcoholism which I reached about 18 months before quitting. It worked until it didn't anymore. At first, it was fun, it helped me sleep, and I was addicted to the euphoric feeling......fearlessness and relaxed, two things I couldn't achieve sober [ until I got sober and actually worked on / fixed the reason why]. I would justify it and make every excuse in the book so I could keep drinking and eventually planned my life around it. "Oh, it's sunny out, reason to celebrate a beautiful day, lets party!" And of course, if I had a bad day, it was guaranteed I would drink and it's all I could think about until I got my 6 shooters to dump in a styrofoam cup that was only half full of pop, then hide my pint to make more drinks after I was finished with this. Wednesday through Saturday the last year of my alcoholism I drank heavy on top of my usual evening dose previously mentioned. It also stopped my racing thoughts and I used it to cope with negative emotions, as well as confidence. 

I knew my life was destined for far more than where I had ended up and the pain of change became less than the pain of remaining the same. I missed me and so did my family.....the daughter and sister they really know, not the person alcohol had turned me into. I have been sober for a little over two years and two months now and I absolutely positively love my life despite the hardship currently going on. I had to forgive myself, and really start dealing with life on life's terms without the crutch. It was hard but worth it and I can say with 110% honesty I won't ever go back to it especially after all the hurt and worry I caused those who love me. I worked hard to "clean house," and get back to being the best me I can possibly be, and the woman God designed me to be. I didn't want to hinder my relationship with Jesus anymore. To be clear, He never left me, I am the one who drifted. Since the accident, I never really gave myself a fair chance to fully heal and the alcoholism locked up that "suitcase" that needed unpacked. So, I also began to work on healing from all that has happened to me. 

Here's the kicker and discovery of strength [ even more than I had before ]. When I quit drinking, my last relationship ended [ which is a VERY good thing because it just wasn't right and he was not the person for me ]. It's funny all the things we try to convince ourselves of because we want that specific thing to be our reality. I used to be really good at presenting a facade of perfection in life when really it was everything but that. It was all fear driven and also pain from realizing that what I thought I had, I really didn't and it hurt so bad that I just couldn't bare to let anyone think things weren't okay. Okay, so the kicker.........In May, I tried to quit drinking six days before my triple neck fusion......this time, posterior [ back ] and same vertebrae, c3-c6. I made it 7 weeks without alcohol, then relapsed. In July, I wasn't feeling well or right for that matter and it's because they discovered I had Grave's Disease, they thought the two spots on my thyroid were cancer, and it was enlarged. I got really sick from this and they had to remove my entire thyroid that August, three months after my neck surgery. Then, I ended up passing out in October and had to wear a heart monitor for 30 days. Then, the man who is now my husband, took me in November to Grand Rapids Michigan, and after twenty minutes of getting there to decompress and enjoy some time away, I broke my left elbow!!!!! [ Btw, he's truly is amazing and probably because I didn't pick this time lol, I let God orchestrate it. I'll share that story later ;) I dealt with that, then in January I went down again with my back. It was a long grueling fight with insurance, finding the right Doctor, etc!!!! One day I spent six hours on the phone between my Doctors and Insurance! The end of March we had a surgeon and a surgery date......April 7, 2023. My first lumbar fusion had failed and I had a broken screw!! They had to remove the old hardware, install new, then fuse me up further at L3. The recovery time was 12 weeks and it definitely took that long. The pain didn't even start to lessen until week six which the Doctor said would happen because of all that had to be done. So, I have only been back on my feet since last July 2023, and then started having issues again in January and it's been non-stop horrible [ health wise ] since then. I had a surgery in March and we will just pick up there tomorrow. In closing, if I can go through all of that and quit drinking at the beginning of that hell storm I experienced, so can you or anything else that you struggle with!

I'm really tired and feel like gaping butthole, so there you have it lol!! Enjoy the rest of your Sunday evening!

The pictures attached are from my back surgery, a little peek into our wedding, our honeymoon, thyroid surgery, and the other things I talked about. I'm not sure why the pictures posted where they did but my weakest area is technology so if you were wondering.......🤦🤣