Dealing With Death and Loss
I was a fearless child until the age of eight, when I had my first experience with trauma. One of my good friends from church, Jennifer Schuett, was kidnapped, raped, and left in a field wrapped in a sheet to die. The first I heard about it was when I was riding in the car with my mom and saw her name on a billboard. I asked my mom, " what happened to Jennifer? Is she okay? " They found her and she lived thank God! When I saw her at church after it happened, her eyes were bloodshot, she had a plug in her throat, some kind of thing on her back that was supposed to help her breathe, and I could see where she'd been sliced on her throat. The man that did this to her barely missed her carotid artery. I remember she held on so tightly to her mom and understandably so. We lived in Dickinson Texas at the time and she didn't live far from us. Ever since then, for years I was terrified that I was going to get kidnapped or murdered.
When I was ten, we'd gone to Detroit Michigan to see my aunt, uncle, and cousins. When we first arrived, we all went out to eat and then when we got to their house, part of the family went out to do something [ I don't remember what ]. My aunt and I went out for a walk with their dog. All of a sudden my aunt said she felt sick, kneeled down, started shaking profusely, her lips started turning blue and she ended up on her back. I had no idea what was going on and didn't know what a seizure was. Obviously that's what was going on, her dog was going crazy, and I was frantic. I had no idea where her house was and began screaming for help and running. I found the house, we got an ambulance and thankfully she ended up being okay. I was so upset my stomach hurt and I felt like throwing up from the stress of everything. I really struggled for quite some time after this, afraid the same thing was going to happen to me. I had a really hard time going to sleep at night and cried a lot. I don't know why it effected me the way it did, but it was a challenge to get over. I was afraid of something bad happening to me or my family members, I was afraid of dying [ despite knowing I would be in heaven if I did ]. I just became afraid of so many things.
There were a lot of events in my life that were traumatic. Then, the next big one was my accident in 2004. Get this though, after my accident I was the first to arrive on the scene of four fatal accidents, and they were BAD!! One of them was on the corner of our [ me and Will's] road involving an elderly couple hanging upside down in the field as their vehicle had landed upside down. I saw a lot of things I wish I could erase from my mind. Another was on Highway 75 in Tennessee and thankfully I missed seeing the vehicle flip ten times, resulting in the man being ejected. I was with my second husband [ man I married after Will died ]. The only reason we didn't see the accident happen is because there was a semi blocking our view. We pulled over and tried to signal drivers until the ambulance got there. My ex, being the idiot he was, another guy, and I were searching for his body and found it in the woods just over the guard rail. They should have just left him where he was, but stupidly picked him up leaving his neck dangle not properly supporting his body at all. It was also stupid because they didn't know if a limb or something else had gone into his body. They got him up to the road and we tried to comfort him as we waited for the ambulance and police officers. Of course, he was in shock. I hope he made it.
I wasn't close to my dad until I was about 15 or 16. We worked through some things from my childhood and he apologized profusely. As time went on, we became best friends. He also had a drinking problem and when I was 21, he had been drinking, and wrecked his motorcycle. I got the call and headed to the hospital. He was going to be okay but was in critical condition. He had a broken neck, broken left ankle, broken ribs, a concussion and a whole lot of other injuries. For the next six months, I took care of him and did all of his banking, shopping, and took him to all of his Doctor's appointments and his neck surgery. We had gotten close by this point, but our father / daughter relationship got even better after this and naturally so. How could it not? I may not have had my dad for the other half of my life, but am grateful for the good years we did have. Because of my own life experiences, I never took time with my family for granted. I always tell my family I love them upon departing after visits etc. I know how fragile life is and how quickly things can change. Such as with my grandmother. I got a call at 3AM from my mother telling me she'd had a massive stroke. This was April of 2010. It was a very difficult time for all of us and it happened close to Easter [ I believe it was Easter weekend ]. Two days prior, I am so glad I talked to her on the phone and got to tell her how much I loved her. It was a long grueling process and we had hope she'd survive until we got word that she had a massive brain bleed that they couldn't stop even with surgery and she had infection. We lost her in August of 2010. The few days we were with her at the hospice center were very difficult, especially at the end........was horrible, her breathing was slowing and the " death gurgle " was so loud and so hard to listen to, but we were not going to leave her side. Whoever did her makeup and hair for the funeral had her not even looking like herself at all. So, I went to the gym, burned off the yuck of emotions, then went down to the basement of the funeral home and redid her hair and makeup myself. I was NOT going to have her looking any other way than how we remembered her. It took a lot of courage and strength but I am glad I did it. Now, back to dad.......He quit taking care of himself and was very overweight, heart problems also running in his family. I lived in Mobile Alabama and got a text from one of the guys who worked with him that I actually graduated with. It was very unlike my dad to not show up at work. My buddy Ryan, said he wasn't answering texts or calls. So he went to my dad's house. All the blinds were closed and the house was locked. Right then and there, I knew something very bad was going on and I had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he had passed. I called my sister to go to his house [ as all my family live in Decatur Indiana ]. She went over and I told her she needed to call the police. They got in and found him dead in his bed. I got a call from mom and already knew......I just knew. He passed away in August on 2015. That was extremely difficult for all of us. I got drunk that night [ I wasn't an alcoholic yet ] and the next day, left Alabama to head home and be with my family, go to his house to sort through everything and collect pictures, and attend the funeral which I got to speak at. Funny side note.....my grandpa [ mom's dad ] is a retired pastor and he performed the funeral. Well, the verses I picked out and my speech took most of what grandpa was going to say hahahaha!! Obviously not intentional, but hey it runs in the family. One thing I said that is so very true is this ; Death brings forth new life. In the midst of bad circumstances sometimes comes the biggest revelations. I said that in a previous post about how during my darkest moments came my greatest revelations. With my husband it sparked a fire in me that hasn't ever gone out and has pushed me to do amazing things. Same thing happened with dad. I think that during these times I got my biggest revelations maybe because I view life so differently and because of all I had already been through. I still do have a very different perspective on life than most. I have been through more than most do by the time their 80, and even in a lifetime.
The year 2020 was horrible and it's the year I lost my brother to a bad accident. He really struggled with alcoholism for years. He'd been sober for three months and was doing well. June 18th, I'd gotten around for work and was getting ready to head there when my mom texted me and asked me to come to their house. Again, I got a bad bad feeling in my gut. On the way there, I saw three squad cars coming from their direction and I am thinking, " Oh God, now what?! Who died?! " I arrive at mom's a couple of minutes later and her and dad are outside. Despite my suspicions, hearing news like this is still a shock and gut punch. They told me Kevin [ my brother ] had died in an accident and we weren't sure due to the details how it happened and we still don't know all the details of how it happened. I let work know what was going on, went home to change, and headed to my baby sister's house to make sure she was okay so mom and dad could stay at the house together. It was horrible. Weird thing is, around the time he died [ 4:30 ish AM ] I woke up and didn't feel right. I felt like something was wrong so I started praying and then went back to sleep. The same thing at the same time happened to my step-sister. I just call my step-sisters my sisters because we are a close family and quite unusually so being a blended family.
You can clearly see how event after event has kept happening and not small stuff. I wouldn't wish the trauma and heartache I have experienced on anyone. But, again, it's shaped the woman I am today. At least my experiences leave people feeling less alone because I can empathize with them and understand so many things about trauma, abuse, divorce, loss, and more. I hope that this blog is helping to do just that, as that is my mission.
Today's pictures are of: my childhood girlfriend that almost died when she was kidnapped and raped. I also have a picture of her now and she's been sharing her story as well, doing many great things with her life. The others are of my dad, me, and my sisters, my grandmother, the " Fab 4 " i.e. me and my siblings and the last picture we all got together.
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