Abuse, Anorexia, and Finding Myself

 The next few years were horrible. I ended up marrying a manipulative, abusive, narcissistic, controlling individual and unfortunately I didn't know myself well enough to know what was wrong in my situation and constantly blamed myself for the problems we had thinking it was because of my trauma, health issues, etc. And, he let me believe it was all me, because that's how people like that are. I got separated from my family and hardly saw anyone. Being without my family was next in line with the accident for gut wrenching pain. I was confused and of course, if I knew then what I know now, I would have done absolutely EVERYTHING differently. Because of the accident I had this fear of loss in about every area of my life. What happened with my family was my fault because of what I allowed. There was something that happened that I would have quickly forgiven and brushed off but I was stuck between a rock and a hard place because my ex was partially right, but so was my family......blood is thicker than water and I wouldn't EVER EVER allow something like this to happen again. I was sick to my stomach because I knew what I myself would do, but now with a significant other involved and having to choose between him and my family I didn't know what to do.......At the time, my thinking was, " He's right, but so are they.....but if I don't choose him I will have resentment and feel like once again someone has control over my life." Obviously from the trauma I now had control issues and a huge fear of loss. I wasn't about to lose again, but I couldn't see clearly and as I said before, I was in no position to even be dabbling in a relationship. No part of me wanted to make the decision I did and I wish I would have ran!!! I used to lay on the floor and bawl and beg God to take me, because it was too much and I didn't want to be here anymore. But, I knew I had to press on and I am so glad that I am still here.

I saw the way my ex would blatantly look at other women and that was a knife to the heart among other things he did. I had health problems then but not like I do now. He had told me that if he knew I was going to have health problems he wouldn't have married me!! Obviously was after my settlement money which I only had $10,000 left by the time I did leave him. Mind you , I had over $300,000.......Anyways, finally I was like, " okay, fine you a-hole, watch this! You wanna look at that?! Watch what I can do!" And that's when the anorexia battle started. People who had known me for years at one point didn't recognize me. A size zero hung on me and I had such little fat, my butt would get bruised just from sitting in the car on a road trip. Then, he gave me hell because he said I was too skinny. Wow, okay.....        To combat the health issues, I knew I'd either get worse or get better, it was a 50/50 shot. So, I started to eat clean and began running. I got up to strength training 7 days a week and running 34 miles per week. In the winter, I would run three miles through high winds, in the dark, through snow drifts. The only thing that froze was my eyelashes as that's about all that was sticking out. I got off of the meds I was on for PTSD from running! That is where my passion for health and fitness began. I was amazed at what the human body was capable of and it was the only outlet I had, but a powerful healthy one aside from allowing the anorexia to set in which I struggled with for eight years. 

There's far more that he did, but I think I have shared enough for you to get the idea of the kind of hell I dealt with. He would upset me so bad sometimes, I would throw up and had chronic diarrhea. Then, one morning, I was running and I was crying and praying....." God, please please give me something to save me!!" That Saturday, I ended up going to a Mary Kay party at my mother-in-law's, and the host was a woman I'd grown up with at my grandparent's church!!! And when she gave her ' why story ' as to what got her into Mary Kay, low and behold, part of that story was about how she had been anorexic!! Definitely not a coincidence. I wanted what she had so I signed up! I did very very well with the business and in the process I began to be empowered, gained courage, and finally started to figure out who I was and what I wanted. Then, I got really ballsy, and started to sneak to Fort Wayne to get counseling, and also went back to my family and made amends. Thank God, they knew the whole time, it wasn't me nor what I wanted [ to be separated from them ]. I finally got up enough courage to leave him and filed for divorce in August. By October it was finalized. I had been with him from April of 2005-August of 2008. What's crazy is, the lawyer I had who treated me extremely well, just so happened to be the attorney for the guy who hit me!!!!!! Oh I have more stories later on I will share in future blogs.......goes to show you what a small world this is and when I share you will probably have a jaw drop moment.

After leaving him, I got reestablished and spent five years by myself, learning to get to know me, and to love me. I went off to Bible College after I lost my grandmother in 2010 and no I didn't run off to Bible College because of grief or for the wrong reasons. I knew God was calling me to go, so I sold most of my stuff, didn't even have enough for tuition but I knew so strongly I was supposed to go, I took a HUGE leap of faith and headed to Tulsa Oklahoma. Those were two of the best but also difficult years of my life as well. The devil hit me hard physically and despite getting really sick, missing six weeks of school, and having a surgery, I still maintained a 4.0 GPA and graduated. There were also sooooo many times that to the rest of the world, it wouldn't have looked like I should be making it financially, but I did. Once again, the power of God is beyond your wildest imagination!!! I have a degree and am ordained. I've used it in many different ways.....started a support group for women who are widows, led a prayer group, served in many different areas at church, and more. Life was finally good and I was thriving. 

I am still trying to find my pictures and I will. :) Remember this.....no matter what your life looks like or what you're going through, take it from me.....You do find your passion through your pain, and all bad things that happen in life are temporary. In my darkest hours, I found my greatest strength, and so will you!