Picking Up The Pieces

 I don't remember much from my first three days in the hospital, which I spent in the ICU. The only thing I remember is begging someone to scratch my back and just all over the place because I was itching so much from the morphine. My family, on the other hand, had a looonngg rough three days. I would fall asleep and when I would wake up I kept asking for Will and they had to keep reminding me every single time I woke up that he was dead and so was our best friend Brian. I would scream and sob, over and over again and they would have to watch this all day long. 

After three days in the ICU, I got moved to a different room. I remember it was very big, I had a VCR and a cot for my family members as they each took turns spending the night with me. I remember my family standing around my bed crying with me. I remember them bringing me presents, and two of which I remember perfectly was a set of adorable stuffed little pigs posing [ I love pigs!! ], and a picture of Jesus holding a little lamb representing the way that Jesus holds us. Its even more dear to my heart because my name means 'Little Lamb.' I ended up getting a UTI [ of course, and go figure...] and was running fever on top of everything else. The next six days weren't just physically excrutiating, but emotionally. Back to my third day in the hospital.....the AMAZING staff at Zwick & Jahn brought Will up to the hospital for me so I could have my own private visitation [ teary eyed writing this part ]. As they wheeled me down to a room to see him, my mind was racing, I was crying, and I had to have them stop with me in the wheel chair before going in that room, because the very last time I saw Will, my life was good, it was normal, it was happy, and now I was about to see him dead.........I was about to visually and emotionally begin to accept what had just happened. I stayed strong, and I had help standing up so I could touch him and say my proper goodbye. But, that day, I swapped that word for a saying......." It's not goodbye, just see you later." I knew by looking at him he'd been crushed and I knew he'd been crushed from the jaw down, but I also remembered what I'd had to see when I was pinned in the car. I had help standing up so I could lay my head on his chest, and even that didn't feel the same because again, he'd been crushed.......and now, so was my heart. 

But then, after the powerful dream I had, some even bigger things happened while I lay in that hospital bed. God gave me a dream about Will and Brian and the background this time was blue, there were clouds, and there was the two of them jumping around, so happy, and giggling. Side note I forgot to mention! Will and I along with another couple met every Saturday at our house for Bible Study we'd started. Well, Brian wasn't a Christian, and we just kept witnessing to him and three months before his death, he got saved and was sooooooo on fire for God! Bringing someone to Jesus was the best thing Will and I ever could have done together. Brian took his Bible to work and could hardly put it down!! Praise Jesus they are both in heaven and we shall all be together again someday. 

Another thing God did for me, was show me why He left me here!!! Without hope and without vision or purpose, people perish. Ever since that moment, I have had a fire in my belly that has put my levels of determination, perseverance, and motivation through the roof. Even when I am down like I am now, it just has never died. God left me here to inspire others, to bring hope to others, and to help change lives. I've been doing my best to fulfill my purpose and always will. There's something very important to note here. I can say with total honesty that I didn't get mad at God and here's how, here's the why...........For that split second in my car, the devil had control over my life and I wasn't about to give him more by being mad at God. I held fast to Him because He was my safety, my comfort, my everything. God saved my life, and he didn't allow that to happen, He didn't take Will from me for His glory to be seen.  His glory is seen in this miracle performed, I am walking/living proof of that and for me to praise Him, adore Him, and love Him like I do, ought to tell you something..........to go through all I have for the last 20 years [ and I am leaving out a lot of bad stuff even before that ] and still be strong, still be praising Him, still be persevering, you can't deny the miracle that was also done in me aside from surviving something horrific that I shouldn't have. I chose not to get mad, not to put a black veil over my face and say, " oh woe is me, " swallowed up by grief, bitterness, and resentment. Because of that choice not to get mad at God, it left the doors wide open for Him to keep showing up in a powerful way, fully receive comfort [ because I wasn't closed off ], and the power I could tangibly feel was so strong inside me. When you leave the door wide open for God to work, He will rush in like a flood and overwhelm you with His goodness, His love, and His, power!!! Dunimus Power!! I was definitely going to need that power because there were some complications headed my way the next several days I would be spending in the hospital.............which I will share tomorrow ;)  Until then, here is a song that goes with today's post........                      https://youtu.be/9n97BGlQpxY?si=0nDf13BoqaMEomVN

Peace and Blessings to you all!