Control and Learning to Let Go

 It's amazing how much we think we are in control. Control is an illusion and the sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be. Had I not been oblivious to this 20 years ago, I would have done things differently. That's hindsight for ya! There is freedom and power in understanding and also letting go of what we wish we could take back, undo, or prevent. We've all heard the saying, "let go and let God," and it's easier said than done. But, the more you learn to do that, the more peace and serenity you have. Acceptance is also key concerning this matter. Acceptance does NOT mean you are okay with what is going on, but rather not fighting it and instead, searching for what can be learned in each trial life presents us with. We aren't always going to get it right, but another powerful key I spoke about in a previous post is forgiveness. It's just as crucial to forgive yourself as it is other people because the more you wallow in guilt, shame, and all the other crap that comes with unforgiveness, the longer you're going to prevent healing and stay in a rut.....it's a weight, let it go!!

Let me take you back for a few minutes to my first attempt at controlling my life when all along I should have ran, and let go of control. Fear and lack of control are what mostly contributed to the poor decisions I made after my accident. Having to choose between my future husband and my family.....I was absolutely not in control! The jerk I was with was in control and it was so easy for him to take because of my vulnerability. Becoming OCD about certain things that made me feel in control such as cleaning, the anorexia, and other things left me completely out of control. I became a slave to my emotions and that is not a good place to be especially since emotions are so fickle and fleeting!! If you want to be in control, give God the reigns. He knows you better than anyone, he designed you and your uniqueness. Run to the one who truly is in control and truly has your best interest at heart. Also, don't camp out in hindsight as that is just another form of bondage. 

For the sake of time, there are some things I left out, but I have and am sharing the biggest, dirty, ugly things with you. I am not going to bore you with every single surgery I have had etc. I think what I have shared is enough to get the message I am trying to convey solidified and obvious. Let my downfalls teach you, inspire you, and empower you! I have gotten knocked down more times than I can count on both hands, and I picked myself back up with the help of God, EVERY.SINGLE.TIME!!! I've been in the fitness industry for 15 years with a background and education in nutrition. Thank God for muscle memory because when I've gotten back to my fitness routine / body building, I had my body back to about where it was within six weeks, so it's not like starting over from scratch. Many many plans have been ruined because I ended up having to have another surgery or I got sick and for long periods at a time. Think now about all of the emotions you have to work through with something like that..........anger, depression, resentment, fear, and more. I learned through my trials that the best thing you can do [ at least for me ] is to keep yourself on a schedule of some sort, keep doing your hair and makeup, and do as much as possible to keep that feeling of normalcy we all crave. There's no definite definition in my eyes for what 'normal' is.....normal is what you make it. Having too much time to think isn't healthy either and an idle mind becomes the devil's playground and rest assured, he WILL come at you from every angle to steal your strength spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Keep your mind busy, rest and take naps, and don't put yourself in a box because sometimes you have to get creative. Now, when I get stuck on my butt because of health problems, I already have a plan in place [ after much practice ] to stay as strong as possible mentally, physically, and emotionally. Some days its hard because you feel so exhausted and horrible, but like I said before, " pick your hard! "  

I feel it's important to take you back even further to when I was 16. I got a really really bad kidney infection. There was a virus that settled in an abnormal part of my kidney and even now, they have no idea how I got the infection. On the CT Scan, 3/4 of my right kidney showed up black and 1/2 of the left kidney was black, 5% of it dying. I had 104.5 fever for three days, my potassium got too low, so they had to contend with that, and I was like this for three days. Two antibiotics had been tried, and weren't working. We now had to deal with sepsis. My Doctor took my mom out into the hallway and said that if the third antibiotic they were going to try didn't work, they were going to have to remove my right kidney. Ever since this incident, I have had health problems. It's what started all of my issues, and then of course, many problems and surgeries I have had since the accident are a result of the accident. I have been through the whole mess of knowing something was wrong and being treated badly because they couldn't find it, so therefore they didn't believe me. Finally, every single time, the problem would be found and then fixed. Nothing makes a person feel more alone and helpless than being that ill, having no answers and not being believed. Don't EVER do that to someone because it's very damaging. 

I have no gallbladder and have no more organs that can be removed except for a kidney or my spleen.....well, after my bladder is removed in November. This will be my 28th surgery and hopefully the last but probably not as at some point, I will have to have another back fusion. My surgeon said, " it's not a matter of if, but when. " The projected timeline for that is 10 - 15 years. Having said that, I know God can do anything and just because they said it doesn't make it true. If I do have to have another spine surgery it isn't because God isn't willing to fix my spine. So many are quick to blame God and have forgotten the facts that we live in a broken, imperfect, fallen world, and there's still a devil roaming this world seeking to devour and destroy. That my friends is why it is so so so crucial that you stay built up in your faith and really get to know the true character of God. I know His character well and my faith is unwaivering. I know that if God brings me to it He will absolutely bring me through it. I am living proof of that!!! I don't know honestly what more proof you need after the things I have shared with you, where I have been victorious over and over again!!! All I can do is share my experience, strength and hope with you, what you do with it is up to you. I will continue yesterday's story in my next blog [ tomorrow ], but felt today, that what I have shared is more important. Until then, enjoy your Saturday and the whole weekend!!!

Love and blessings to you all!