Moving Back Home - Road to Recovery Pt 2

 The beginning of February 2005, I moved back home. It felt cold and dead and had lost the feeling of home and warmth. When I arrived, everything was exactly as we'd left it the night we left. We had a scanner and that was still on.....it was eerie, knowing our accident had been playing throughout the house. Funny the things you think of that you would never imagine you'd even have to consider thinking about. How easily we take life for granted until life is taken from us shaking us to the core. 

I needed noise, I needed there to be life in the house. I played music and put a bunch of nice plants and flowers in the house....whatever it took to make it feel like home again. I didn't have it in me to take the Christmas tree down until after Valentine's Day. It took me a while to wash his laundry and begin going through the, " when should I get rid of certain things, when should I do this, and that?" The first time I had to go for a check-up at one of my Dr.'s offices, I had some paperwork to fill out and when it got to the part where I had to fill in marital status as widowed, that really stung and I wasn't prepared for it. I began preparing myself for what was ahead such as, all the firsts [ holidays etc ], and so much more.

I went for four days on only ten hours of sleep as sleeping was not my friend.....at least at night. It was horrible waking up in the middle of the night, having flashbacks, screaming, afraid, and alone. Adjusting was not easy, but I figured out for the time being what would work for me. So, I picked a happy movie, slept on the couch in the living room, and every time I'd wake up at least it wasn't dark and I would keep replaying it. I had gone from smoking a pack a day to three packs a day. I felt lost and lonely and again, changed my routine to listening to music all night while I smoked and crochet a blanked. That is what was most therapeutic for me. I'd get lonely and knew the Bluffton Walmart was open all night, so I'd enjoy the ride there listening to music, and look around. Being around people helped. I wasn't just on a road to self discovery, but creating a new normal and finding my way....rebuilding a shattered life. 

I didn't just have Doctor's appointments, and normal day to day things to take care of. I was at my Lawyer's office all the time and that in itself was like a full-time job. It was extra draining because every time you're there you have the reminder that your life isn't normal, and that you had to try to move on while still living with the aftermath that drug on forever. 

Tomorrow, I am going to share with you about the power of forgiveness and the impact it had on my life. It was key to healing and being able to start over.