Residual Problems From Abuse

 There are so many ways abuse effects you and there are bad habits that come from it as well. Those who have been abused, know that it takes a toll on you mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. There's far more to heal from than physical and honestly, the physical is in my opinion probably the easiest part to get over. I would rather be hit than suffer the way I did mentally and emotionally. Any time I hear of someone getting abused, it makes me so angry and you just want to rescue them. Abuse effects future relationships as well. 

The man I married after my husband died was a vicious, short tempered, vindictive, manipulative, narcissistic a-hole. He was also very controlling and if you read my previous blog where I got into this subject a little bit, the controlling part was easy to pick up on. I was always afraid of getting in "trouble." I had to plan anything I wanted to do around absolutely EVERYTHING he wanted to do or I couldn't do it at all. I only got about four hours of sleep per night because of this. I would be so tired that when going to visit his aunt one time, I was nodding off in the chair. I didn't need to work and quite frankly wasn't ready yet as it was too soon after my accident and he made me get a job and of course same shift as him [ third shift, which my body doesn't tolerate well at all ]. The only reason I missed getting hit is because I moved out of the way fast enough. I didn't even want to have any of my girlfriends over because I couldn't trust him and he had a wandering eye and would check them out right in front of me. He lied the one time when he "almost" kissed her because he thought it was me laying on the floor........[eye roll ]. Really dude?! We don't even look alike and had different hair color. 

We had a few dogs and when we got the first one, he wouldn't let me leave or go anywhere and I was basically chained to the house as if I had a freaking newborn baby. When we started breeding, we had 17 dogs I had to take care of.......feed, water, worm pills, all to the vet at the same time by myself, spray them all with fly spray etc. If I didn't do good enough in his opinion, I would get yelled at. I was doing all the landscaping, all the house cleaning, taking care of all the animals, and I did a darn good job. Let me tell ya, it's no small task cleaning up poop from 17 dogs. After it would rain, he'd let the muddy dogs inside the house right after I'd just cleaned it and they'd make a horrible mess!! 

When I had surgery [ one of them ], we got in a fight on the way there because he got mad at me for having a problem with him going across town to Hooters while I was to be in surgery!!! And then, when I woke, I was all alone! My Doctor was PISSED!!!!! They paged him on the intercom over the entire hospital and looked everywhere for him and couldn't find him!! Any time I would confront him, all hell would break loose. It was not allowed!

I ended up quitting the third shift job I had and went into Mary Kay full-time. That was a God send!! It got me away from him going to meetings, conferences, etc. But like I said before, this is when I began to see the truth and figure out who I was. I would have to get up at 4AM just so I could get my workouts in. I'd have to sleep when he slept. He would call me every name in the book you can imagine, even cunt. I wasn't strong enough yet and didn't know or understand enough yet to leave him and I was too afraid to leave him. I began to understand the vicious cycles other women would go through. 

Now that I have laid a foundation for what life was like, I can share with you what it did to me mentally and emotionally. I was in constant survival mode. I had to learn to read between the lines, there was always a hidden meaning behind things he would say, and I had to watch everything I said or did. My perfectionism got wayyyyyy worse as well. You're always on edge wondering what they're going to get mad about next and repercussions. I had to be on high alert all the time because of his schemes and complete lack of trust. He would come home from work and tell me about a girl that had a nice booty and how she was every man's wet dream!!! He would forget about our Anniversary and my birthday, then go get some cheap ridiculous present then throw it at me in a Walmart bag!!! I needed to get my teeth fixed, with my settlement money and he threw a fit about that even! 

It takes a lot and a longgggg time to heal from all of this. It made future relationships I would have difficult because I didn't trust men at all, I would read too much into everything because I'd gotten so used to having to do that as a tool for survival. 

What was really bad is, with the husband after him. I thought I'd married a Christian man with good morals and values like mine. After two years of marriage with him, he started doing everything to me that the previous had done, just not quite as extreme. He knew what my previous had done to me and to deliberately repeat those behaviors and calling me a cunt, and again, every name in the book, I was just crushed! I didn't have what I thought I did at all and then began to wonder how I got it wrong again. I was duped and went back to feeling like I couldn't trust myself. Thankfully, I got out of there and my husband and life I have now is honestly what I have always prayed for and dreamed of. It took a lot of work to heal enough to get to where I am now. I was perfectly content alone and said to God, " If you have someone for me great, if not, I am content and just fine alone. I'm letting you orchestrate the next one, if there is a next one because I obviously am not good at picking men!"  I had finally gotten to a place where I felt I could trust myself and my decision making abilities. YOU HAVE GOT TO TRUST YOUR GUT!!!!! If something feels off, it's because it is! I wish I had known and understood this a long long time ago as it would have saved me from a lot of pain and heartache. 

You're not going to find a perfect person and I wasn't expecting to. You don't have to agree on everything, but the most important stuff and biggest stuff, yes! If you don't, then kindly end it and run. You aren't going to change the other person and whatever is off before marriage will be way off after marriage. I had to let down a lot of walls and learn to not only trust myself, but other people. It doesn't matter how much you heal, there are triggers and you just have to work through those and keep healing. I just knew that if I ever got married again, I wanted to be whole and be strong enough to know and keep my individuality. Yes you become one, but you are still individuals, not chameleons! Stay true to who you are and DO NOT settle EVER!!! Another thing, you would never offer someone is half of a pie. You want to give them the whole thing. Well if you don't have your crap together, you can't do that. You don't have to be perfect to move on and enjoy your future marriage, but you do need to know who you are and in a good spot mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. 

Through the whole process, I figured out exactly what I wanted and didn't want....what I could put up with and not put up with. I was ready this time around and everything about it, for once, felt right. I can just be me, we are a phenomenal team, we are best friends, and it's just a wonderful, God centered marriage. Don't go through all the crap I did and shortchange yourself. Know who you are, what you want, and then stay true to yourself not losing your identity like I did. 

I'm grateful for where I am now, and it was worth the work. Relationships go much differently when you have done the work to heal. I have a man I can trust, that doesn't watch porn [ another thing that happened in the past after marriage began], he honors and respects me and wouldn't ever ever do the things that have been done to me in the past. Hindsight is a good teacher but also a wench because its really full of regret and you see all that you should have or could have done differently. But, you can't live in regret, and have to learn to forgive yourself, be grateful for the lessons learned, and not repeat the past. 

Someone, somewhere needs to know these things and I am open / willing to help shed light into your life on important life matters if the opportunity arises.