The UGLY

 You've heard plenty about how I've plowed through all opposition with determination, perseverence, and strength God has given me, hope being the root of it all. It's encouraging and inspires motivation, but I haven't really dug into the intense pain, emotional anguish, anger, frustration, and very dark dark times I've experienced on this journey through this current season of my life. If I don't bare all and share all, it looks like, " oh all trials are easier for me than you because I'm a Christian, and I believe in Jesus." I've had my VERY angry, rock bottom conversations with God and I'm going to again, be extremely vulnerable and real with you. I don't put up a "strong" front like I used to because I felt like I had to, then deal with it all alone in silence. That was a bad habit developed during the abuse years, my abusive ex husband getting engrained in my mind that I had to " suck it up soldier. " That is one of the stupidest most unhealthy things you can do and exudes weakness, not strength!! The strong jump in and deal they don't put up a wall and pretend they have it all together, then suffer horribly in the background. It took me a while to do that and to get to a point where I could be honest when asked, " How are you? How's your day going? Are you okay?" I'd give an answer that would project that I'm always this positive perfect person who always has it all together. Let me tell you, it's exhausting, and lonely!!! And to top it off, trying to hide it all while trying to act normal, not always being able to control your attitude and emotions fighting them instead of dealing with them allowing yourself to have those normal bad days super sucks and is very difficult as well as draining!!!! You help more people by being real and letting them see the bad with the good, also not making them feel weak and like they are less than because they aren't as "strong" as you. There's also healing in being real, raw, and honest. Another thing to remember before diving into the ugly is that you aren't a burden to others being honest about the difficult days or sharing your problems. It's only draining when you camp out there, feel sorry for yourself, and do nothing to fix your problem. Be real, proactive, and pragmatic, otherwise you're just a joy and life sucker......an eeyore.

In the middle of this 10 month mess I have been in with my physical health also came financial stress, emotional pain, and pure heartache. I felt deserted at times even though I knew God has never and would never leave me. Just because He allows you to go through seasons of being in the "desert" doesn't mean He's distanced Himself from you. There are seasons of drought and famine, then there are seasons of bounty and overflow of blessings without much of a worry or care in the world. This is what one of my ugly days looked like........ It was a Saturday, I woke feeling defeated, stressed, depressed, exhausted, angry, and desperate trying to understand all the "what's" and "why's." I was doing all the right things to stay strong, pressing into my faith, believing for all the things I'd been praying for, so what in the world was going on?!!! I was trying to clean my house and had my worship music on and I began bawling....tears clouding my vision to see while cleaning, yelling and talking to God. Finally, I leaned up against the wall, slid down the wall to the floor letting my mop fall, and just screamed, I yelled and said, "Why are you doing this?!! When is enough enough?! You said you'd never give me more than I can handle but look at this, my cup is overflowing and not with the promises and all the provision and all the things you've promised me!!! What the h*** is going on here?!! You can make this stop and you're not!!!! I have even been open to you and stayed obedient, I have opened myself up even from the beginning and asked you, " okay, what am I supposed to be learning in this season and from this attack, this turmoil?!!!!" "Where the h*** are you God?!! I know in my heart you're there but I need to feel you, I need something, anything......something to grasp on to, some sight of the light that will be at the end of this tunnel!!!!" I kicked, I punched the floor, I was ugly crying and snotting everywhere, and this went on for four hours. I was dropping F bombs and about every swear word you can imagine just letting it all go!!!!

My temporary long-term disability which was my main source of income until the Social Security Disability takes over was cancelled with no warning and it made no sense because obviously I fit the criteria!!! That right there was the last shred of control and independence I had! Everything was being stripped away. And of course my husband helped me but taking on your spouses bills on top of what you're already paying for jointly and also his own bills starts to become a lot. After my meltdown, and I have had a few like the one above I described, I picked myself back up, finished cleaning, and I felt a LOT better! I was completely relaxed and at peace. I felt like God was saying to me, " Finally! I have been here waiting for you to let go of control, to lean on Me more, to get out of self-will even more than you have thus far, and let Me carry you." I learned that God was teaching me to not only lean on Him more, but to lean on my husband, rid myself of even more pride that I thought didn't exist because I'd already done so much to rid myself of these things. He was teaching me to be content no matter how much or how little I have, to trust more, and to be rid of outside things controlling my mind and emotions, and my level of joy so much. In your darkest moments you will learn your biggest lessons. 

I felt prompted to ask for help and one of the ways I did that was reaching out to people, starting a Gofundme page. The outpouring of help was phenomenal!!! More than $6000 came in, in three days! The help hasn't stopped. I've had bad days since then but that day was a monumental a huge pivotal moment in this difficult season of my life. Man it hurts, it super sucks, and isn't fun, but the fruit born during the pain and agony far exceeds the darkest moments. The wisdom and lasting life long lessons learned are something you could never put a price on. It says in the Bible to seek for wisdom and how much more valuable it is than silver or gold. It's so true and if you want Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth [a fav acronym for the Bible ;) ] that is your ultimate "go to." God will turn your tears and mourning into joy, He will make beauty from ashes, and He will ALWAYS be with you fighting for you and bring you through the flames. He will always be that fourth man in the fire. I spoke in one of my blog posts about being refined by the fire, and this my friends is a perfect example! 

This season has left me feeling like mashed up mulled overly tenderized piece of meat, but it's built me into more of a warrior in my prayer life, it's given me a much much deeper love for Jesus and other people. I have been stripped  even more of things I thought I'd completely conquered such as pride, discontentment, and needing things to be "just so." I have a more pure joy, a fullness of joy, a new and deeper zeal for life and my relationship with Jesus not just rekindling the flame in me but causing it to burn so hot, so bright that I feel like I am going to explode sometimes and all I want to do is shout about the glory of God, His goodness, His love, and His power!!!! I am more excited about my future now than ever before and I can't wait for you to see what He continues to do in my life as the journey continues and the lives I will get to touch and help change because of the ways He's changed me!!!!!!